Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 February 2024

They Walked On In

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar...
No joke.

10 Christian Pick-up Lines

* Nice Bible.* God told me to come and meet you.* Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.* I know a church where we could go and talk.* What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?* Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? Oh, I mean, what would Jesus do? * Do you believe in divine appointment?* Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?* Christians kiss before parting–it’s an old Jewish tradition.* Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?-

Oldest profession....

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.

"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."

"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."

"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"

Nightie

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary, so he bought her a $100 see-through nightie.
That night, she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightie was still in its box downstairs.

Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said: "Jesus, for $100 they could've at least ironed it!"

Demetri Martin: Exit Only

I saw a sign on this door; it said, Exit Only. So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.

Three Travelers

Three travelers, an American, a Russian, and an Egyptian, were circumnavigating the globe a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.

“Aaah!” he said. “We're right over my homeland.”

“How can you tell?” asked the American.

“I can feel the cold air.” he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.

“Aah we're right over my homeland.” he said.

“How do you know that?” asked the Russian.

“I can feel the heat of the desert.”

Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.

“Aah, we're right over New York.” The Russian and the African were amazed.

“How do you know all of that?!” they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. “My watch is missing.”

Contrary to popular belief, th...

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Grandpa and God

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, “Now, how are we alike?”
“You’re both old,” he replied.

The General Managers of Cascad...

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (NewSouth Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of Cascade smiles and says, "I'll have a Cascade Draught, brewed from pure mountain water."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from XXXX says, "I'll have a XXXX, the cleanest beer on the planet."
The General Manager from Carlton glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.
He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

Both Sides Of The Law

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'
'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'

Dear Employees...

Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the Service have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,Human Resources

Gabriel Iglesias: Looking for a Pregnancy Test

I dont even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. Im looking at all the aisles -- they dont have one that says oops.

What do you call an Arab bodybuilder?

What do you call an Arab bodybuilder?

A protein sheikh.

The End Is Near!

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

International Joke Day Jokes - for smart people

July the 1st is International Joke Day! Are you smart enogh to get these Jokes?

1. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.
The mathematician said, "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her."
The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

2. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.
Einstein begins to count to 10. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one-meter by one-meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches 10, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton replies, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"

3. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything."
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
"Where's my change?" the monk asks.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

4. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel, and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."

6. The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.
First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.

7. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness.'
He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee, please. No cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

9. A logician's wife is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."

10. A photon is going through airport security.
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

#jokeDay #InternationalJokeDay