Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 09 April 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 09 April 2024 |
Money Deposit
A customer goes to the bank to make a deposit.
Teller: "Sorry sir. This $100 bill is a fake one. We cannot accept it."
Customer: "What's the big deal? I'm depositing it into my account, right?"
Short jokes for sunny Tuesday
Why is "dark" spelled with a "k" and not a "c"?
Because you can't C in the dark!;
A recent study has shown that women who carry extra weight,
tend to live longer
than the men who mention it!
I was so confused last night, as my printer was playing music.
Turns out my paper was just jamming.
Guys I need your help. In the middle of an argument with the wife she told me that I'm right…
What the hell do I do next?
I knew it was bad news when my friend said "you know our favorite dentist…"
I had to brace myself.
I don’t know if tampons are the best invention ever..
…but they’re definitely up there!
My doctor ordered me to take a blood test...
I got an A-. Not too bad.
Can a ninja throw a star?
SHUR-HE-CAN.
If you were born legs first,
for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!
Liverpool police stopped a car & were amazed to find it taxed,
full MOT & insured.
It wasn't stolen, there were no stolen goods or drugs.
The driver was sober & had a full clean licence...
A police spokesman said,
"We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time!"
Guy driving along the highway at 70mph,
sees a chicken running along side keeping up.
Crazy enough the chicken has three legs! Punches it to 80,
chicken stays with it then cuts off down a country road.
Guy follows it into the driveway of a farm, sees the farmer.
"Did you see a three legged chicken speed in here"?
"Yeah that's mine.
I breed them that way because me, my wife, and my son all like drumsticks"
the farm tells the driver.
"Wow that's amazing how do they taste?" the guy asks.
"Dunno"
said the farmer "never caught one before".
Kissing a Nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying."My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."-The penny scale...
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"
A man in a hot air balloon rea...
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hourago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Kevin Hart: No Longer Safe
Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. Thats scary as hell because thats her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.Answering Machine Message 24
Computer generated voices:
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
“Look, Charlie,” the coach...
“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.” “Yes sir, I understand.” “Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”
A woman walked up to a little...
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
Cold Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
I gave up my job as...
“I gave up my job as a high-wire walker because I was struggling to achieve work-life balance.”
The Only Country
The United States is the only country where a housewife hires a woman to do her cleaning, so she can do volunteer work at the day care, where the cleaning woman leaves her child.
Go figure.
New dog breeds
The American Kennel club has decided to recognize these newbreeds of Dogs that are the result of cross breedingCollie + Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot.
Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Pekingese + Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever:Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound,a dog for financial advisers.
Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
