Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 23 April 2024

A stranger's advice

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. 

After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." 

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." 

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. 

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. 

As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. 

Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" 

"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

It's Starting To Rain

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system...
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining... Towels are located in aisle five."

The only way down...

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.

Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.

Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"

Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.

He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"

Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!"

Mommy Mommy 03

Brian Posehn: Quitting Meat

Miracle whip

A: Miracle Whip.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

A Special Night in Iowa

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

Subway Party

There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?"

he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

A man sees his wife ...

The maids revenge

Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

Nun of Your Business

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
The curlers are on me.

A Good Homily

Knock Knock Collection 187

Problem Teacher

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A serious drinking problem."

Do beginner vampires...

“Do beginner vampires go to batting practice?”