Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 19 June 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 19 June 2024 |
Why Easter Is Special
A group of four-year-olds were being questioned by their teacher in a Sunday School class. Looking across at those bright little faces, the teacher asked this question: "Does anyone know what today is?" A little girl held up her hand and said, "Yes, today is Palm Sunday." "That's fantastic!" the teacher said. "Now does anyone know what next Sunday is?" The sam little girl lifted her hand. "Yes," she said, "next Sunday is Easter Sunday."The teacher was all smiles. "Oh, very good. Now...does anyone know what makes next Sunday Easter?"On a roll the same little girl responded, "Yes, next Sunday is Easter because Jesus rose from the grave." Before the impressed teacher could congratulate her, however, the girl added, "but if He sees His shadow, He has to go back in for seven weeks."-Incapable of Multitasking
My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking.
So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.
Church bells....
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother.
When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.
"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells.
She paused, and wiped away a tear.
"If it wasn't for that dang ringy-ding-ding ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive."
The Dentist
The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.
He who lives by the sword, die...
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.Send me your ...
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.
Death In The Family
One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away.
The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.
The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.
She asked her why she was crying this time.
The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"
A Heavenly Welcome
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
Holmes Investigation
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend."Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
April Fool's Day - Suggestion
Yogurt, Peach, and Apple Disguised as an Egg and Fries
Windows frozen, won't open.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Christmas QA jokes part two
Q: What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?
A: Sandy Claws.
Q: Where does the snowman hide his money?
A: In the snow bank.
Q: What type of cars do elves drive?
A: Toy-otas.
Q: Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?
A: It needed to be trimmed.
Q: What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A: Holly Davidson.
Q: What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
A: Saint Nickel-less.
They Are Stopped By The Police
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
Stopped By The Police
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
