Jokes of the day for Thursday, 27 June 2024

A One Exhibit Zoo

I went to the zoo.
There was only ONE exhibit in the entire zoo.
It was a Shih Tzu.

Grounds for divorce...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Pet Monkey

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back.
Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt--then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "what's up with that?"
"What?"
"your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them."
"Oh, that---well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it."    

Sinking boat

There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.

The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."

The rabbi said, "fuck the children."

The priest said, "Do we have time?"

Nagasaki never had a bomb drop...

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

Cake

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

It's called wedding cake.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Jim Gaffigan: Easier for Attractive People

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and theyre attractive, you think, Oh, theyre nice, but if a strangers ugly, youre like, What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

Jon Reep: Southern Accents

People think youre an idiot. I dont know where they get that idea. But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell theyre looking at me and theyre just waiting for me to say something like, What are shoes for?

Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

A Puzzle for Darwin

On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.

Little Zachary was doing poorl...

Little Zachary was doing poorly in math. His parents, after exhausting all other incentives, finally decided to enroll him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, Little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He went straight to his room and started studying. This continued for some time. His mother was baffled as to why he had become so dedicated.
Finally, Little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went to his room to study. With great trepidation, his mother looked at it and, to her surprise, Little Zachary go an "A" in math. She asked, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the uniforms?"
Little Zachary said, "No!"
"What was it?" she asked.
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

MONDAY...

KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT MONDAYS?
- NOTHING!!!

Pain reliever

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulled out a freezing needle to numb the area.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles," the patient shouted.

The dentist started to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objected.

"I can't do the gas thing!” the man protested. “The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asked if the man had any objection to taking a pill.

"No," the patient said. "I am fine with pills."

The dentist said, "Here is a Viagra tablet."

The patient replied: "Wow! I didn't know Viagra works as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

The Hat

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"  

April Fool's Day - Here are 5 pranks you can play on people

1. Borrow someone’s cell phone and change the language setting to a foreign language.
2. Change the language for Google on someone’s computer.
3. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf.
4. Swap the signs on the men’s and ladies’ rest rooms.
5. Hide scented air fresheners all over someone’s office.