Jokes of the day for Friday, 19 July 2024
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 19 July 2024 |
Looking Better
What is the difference between a salon and a saloon?
A salon is where you go to make yourself look better.
A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better.
A gang of pirates find themselves shipwrecked on the beach
![A gang of pirates find themselves shipwrecked on the beach](/jokes-archive/2024/07/19/A-gang-of-pirates-find-themselves-shipwrecked-on-the-beach.jpg.400.jpg)
Naturally the captain seeks out the first merchant who is selling booze and requests his finest bottle of rum.
Upon returning the crew is aghast. "All you came back with is a lousy bottle of rum"? Aye boys the merchant says to me this here's a magic bottle of rum. No matter how much yee drink it never goes dry. "You fool!!! He hoodwinked you. There's no such as a magic bottle of rum"! Ah well, no matter, alls I traded him was a ship that'll never sink.
Growing penis
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted.But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.
While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
John Caparulo: Airport Security Inspection
![John Caparulo: Airport Security Inspection](/jokes-archive/2011/07/19/John-Caparulo-3A-Airport-Security-Inspection.jpg.400.jpg)
Last requests
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "
A dietitian was once addressin...
![A dietitian was once addressin...](/jokes-archive/2011/07/19/A-dietitian-was-once-addressin-.jpg.400.jpg)
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Knock Knock Collection 097
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Isaiah!
Isaiah who?
Isaiah nothing till you open this door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Istvan!
Istvan who?
Istvan to be alone!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy be a big job!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivan!
Ivan who?
Ivan enormous snake in my pocket!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ivana!
Ivana who?
Ivana be rich!
During their vacation and whil...
![During their vacation and whil...](/jokes-archive/2010/01/25/During-their-vacation-and-whil-.jpg.400.jpg)
With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the
mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the states for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much consdering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead !
I just can't take that chance.
I Want To Buy That
![I Want To Buy That](/jokes-archive/2019/02/07/I-Want-To-Buy-That.jpg.400.jpg)
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
A couple, the Browns, decide t...
![A couple, the Browns, decide t...](/jokes-archive/2016/08/27/A-couple-2C-the-Browns-2C-decide-t-.jpg.400.jpg)
They meet the therapist and he says, "I believe I can help you". The Browns are ecstatic and listen intently.
He says to them, "Tonight, on your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery and buy grapes and donuts. When you get home I want you to both undress in the living room. Sir, I want you to roll the grapes on the floor with your nose, all the way across the room and into your wife's crotch. Then madam, I want you to take the donuts and see how many ringers you can score on your husband".
They call back in a few days to say their new games have really spiced things up. The Brown's are so happy, they tell their friends, the Smiths about it.
So they go to see the therapist. The therapist meets with them and says, "I'm sorry I cannot take your money as I cannot help you". They beg and beg, and finally the therapist gives in...
"On your way home tonight I want you to stop at the grocery and by apples and cheerios".
The new minister's wife had a ...
![The new minister's wife had a ...](/jokes-archive/2009/12/07/The-new-minister-27s-wife-had-a-.jpg.400.jpg)
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
Little Johnny and the math teacher...
![Little Johnny and the math teacher...](/jokes-archive/2016/07/06/Little-Johnny-and-the-math-teacher-.png.400.jpg)
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
A wife, being the romantic sor...
![A wife, being the romantic sor...](/jokes-archive/2014/11/04/A-wife-2C-being-the-romantic-sor-.jpg.400.jpg)
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied, "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."