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Jokes of the day for Friday, 26 July 2024

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 26 July 2024

My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying...

My girlfriend got a shitty haircut and she’s crying.

I don’t know what she’s crying about, I’m the one that has to get a new girlfriend.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

Superb Dancer

Instructor: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Student: What are the two things?
Instructor: Your feet.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

The key...

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

#joke #wedding #bride
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 August 2015
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

Chuck Norris can take an arrow...

Chuck Norris can take an arrow in the knee.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 July 2012
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (78)

Ed Zachary

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'

So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I

ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'

Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse’

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 July 2011
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (68)

A pregnant woman gets into a c...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." 
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 
"Denise," the doctor says. 
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" 
The doctor replies, DeNephew. 
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 July 2010
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (55)

Alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

#joke #animal #drinks #alcohol
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 July 2010
  • Currently 5.74/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (39)

Scary Collection 29


A ghost joke
How do undertakers speak?
Gravely!

A vampire joke
What do vampires think of blood transfusions?
Newfangled rubbish!

A ghost joke
What did the polite ghost say to her son?
Don't spook until your spooken to!

A ghost joke
What do ghosts eat for dinner?
Ghoulash!

A cannibal joke
What happened if you upset a cannibal?
You get into hot water!

A cannibal joke
Why don't cannibals like to eat Carl Lewis?
He gives them runs!

A ghost joke
What do ghouls do when they're in hospital?
They talk about their apparitions!


#joke #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 July 2011
  • Currently 2.15/10

Rating: 2.1/10 (34)

Out of Eden

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 June 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

A young boy walks into a barbe...

A young boy walks into a barber shop, and the barber leans in and says to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch and see."

The barber then places a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, calling the boy over and asking, "Which one do you want, kid?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"See what I mean?" the barber says. "He never learns!"

Later, as the customer is leaving, he notices the same boy coming out of an ice cream parlor. "Hey, kid! Can I ask you something? Why did you pick the quarters over the dollar bill?"

The boy, enjoying his ice cream, replies, "Because if I took the dollar, the game would be over!"

#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.62/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (13)

Women should come with instructions

Men say that women should come with instructions. What's the point of that? Have you ever seen a man actually read the instructions?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 March 2016
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Spiderman's Jacket

Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flat bread?
It's a Pita Parka.

#joke #short #food #bread
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 May 2023
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Plane lunch choices

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

By reddit user OK_Compooper, posted on Oct. 08. 2019.

#joke #short #animal #chicken #food #lunch #meat
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 October 2019
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

The photographer for a nationa...

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of an enormous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. 
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. 
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." 
"Why?" asked the pilot. 
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. 
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" 
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 February 2012
  • Currently 7.58/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (24)

The Preacher's Teeth

A minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled out. New dentures were being made.

  • The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
  • The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
  • On the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 August 2022
  • Currently 7.62/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (21)

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