Jokes of the day for Monday, 12 August 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 12 August 2024 |
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...
Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.
Quick thinking...
One day, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," replied Earl. "We're on the patch!"
Orange
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
Got Nuts?
A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.
The guy says, "No, ma'am."
She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"
And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"
Tea set
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud.
Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens.
The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Blonde Bet
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......
A visit with Grandpa
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
Manners
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
International Joke Day Jokes
International Joke Day, celebrated on July 1 every year, is an occasion to crack a joke or two with your friends and family.
Find funny short jokes here!
1. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.
2. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see their wheels turning.
3. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.
4. What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.
5. What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!
6. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.
7. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
8. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
9. Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills!
10. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
11. Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!
12. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.
13. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?
Sandy, obviously!
14. What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.
15. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!
16. What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
17. What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.
18. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
19. Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!
20. What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”
21. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!
22. What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.
23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
24. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.
25. How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”
26. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples.
27. What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!
28. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
29. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.
30. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
31. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
32. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!
Guilty Conscience
An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi."Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Let's pretend
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"
Wife's love
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"
"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.
"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream...
A man running late for his once in a lifetime dream job interview is frantically trying to find a parking spot in a packed lot... Time is not on his side, and he starts to panic. In his last ditch attempt, he turns to the skies, and begs: “God, please, help me out here. I’ll do anything… I’ll quit smoking. I’ll stop drinking. I’ll donate money to charity.” As soon as he finishes his plea, the skies open up, and the bright light shines on to an empty parking space. The man holds up his hand, and goes: “Never mind, I found one”.
