Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 September 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 29 September 2024 |
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?Don’t worry about him—-he’s just a product of our times.
The Conscientious Ransomer
I got attacked by ransomware and was asked for money...
I sent them my pay stub...
Not only did they immediately remove the malware from my system, but they also put some money into my account.
The Hotel Lobby
A man, his wife, and his son from waaaay out in the mountains go to the "big city" to a major hotel. When they get into the lobby, they are directed to the front desk to check in. While the wife is takin' care of "the paper work," the man is looking all around at the amazing things they have. One that catches his eyes is a recess in the wall with a crack down the middle. Just then, an elderly woman walks up, pushes a button next to the recess, and the wall opens up to a small room! She walks in and the wall closes, while lights above the secret doors flash along the top. They begin flashing in the other direction, and moments later the wall opens up and a shapely young lady, vougly dressed, sachays out, walking by the man and his son whos eyes and dropped jaws follow her by.
The man looks back at the doors in the wall. "Boooyyy", says the man to his son... "Go get your mother!"
A Million Dollars
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to GOD.
"GOD", he said, "How long is a million years?"
GOD answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "GOD, how much is a million dollars?"
GOD answered, "To Me, it's a dime."
The man then asked, "GOD, can I have a dime?"
GOD said, "In a minute."
National Geographic
Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?" Lena says, "No, I didn't."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"
"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.
"How did you get so smart?"
Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."
Skinny Dippers
Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Buckwheat
Buckwheat of the Little Rascals fame grew up, became a Muslim, and changed his name. He now goes by Kareem of Wheat.
Daniel Tosh: Only One Tattoo
I think if youre gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, Im dumb. Thats it. That way in 10 years, when you go, Why did I get this?, you can be like, Oh, Im dumb! Jimmy Dore: Growing Up in a Big Family
They go, Well, you learn a lot about life growing up in a big family, dont you? Yeah, I learned that Im replaceable. I am Just Fine
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now what the hell would you say?"
The first years...
Children:
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Safe Sex
Every time I go on vacation my wife gets pregnant...
This year I'm taking her with me!
