Jokes of the day for Sunday, 15 December 2024
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 15 December 2024 |
Contemporary art
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
There was a blonde. She had nev...
There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior expierience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse. The horse started off at an easy gallop,the blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horses mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup! She was at the mercy of the horses feet, and right before she was knocked unconcious.... the manager of wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off5 shots
One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey. The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."
The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."
The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"
The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."
Michael Ian Black: Pills
I dont drink, and I dont do drugs, but Ill take a pill. Ill take any pill, you know what I mean? Cause pills cant hurt me! Cause theyre made by companies. Really funny jokes-Facebook Addiction
The 76-year-old woman walked down the hallway of Clearview Addictions Clinic, searching for the right department. She passed signs for the "Heroin Addiction Department (HAD)," the "Smoking Addiction Department (SAD)" and the "Bingo Addiction Department (BAD)." Then she spotted the department she was looking for: "Facebook Addiction Department (FAD)."
It was the busiest department in the clinic, with about three dozen people filling the waiting room, most of them staring blankly into their Blackberries and iPhones. A middle-aged man with unkempt hair was pacing the room, muttering,"I need to milk my cows. I need to milk my cows."
A twenty-something man was prone on the floor, his face buried in his hands, while a curly-haired woman comforted him.
"Don't worry. It'll be all right."
"I just don't understand it. I thought my update was LOL-worthy, but none of my friends even clicked the 'like' button."
"How long has it been?"
"Almost five minutes. That's like five months in the real world."
The 76-year-old woman waited until her name was called, then followed the receptionist into the office of Alfred Zulu, Facebook Addiction Counselor.
"Please have a seat, Edna," he said with a warm smile. "And tell me how it all started."
"Well, it's all my grandson's fault. He sent me an invitation to join Facebook. I had never heard of Facebook before, but I thought it was something for me, because I usually have my face in a book."
"How soon were you hooked?"
"Faster than you can say 'create a profile.' I found myself on Facebook at least eight times each day -- and more times at night. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night to check it, just in case there was an update from one of my new friends in India . My husband didn't like that. He said that friendship is a precious thing and should never be outsourced."
"What do you like most about Facebook?"
"It makes me feel like I have a life. In the real world, I have only five or six friends, but on Facebook, I have 674. I'm even friends with Juan Carlos Montoya."
"Who's he?"
"I don't know, but he's got 4,000 friends, so he must be famous."
"Facebook has helped you make some connections, I see."
"Oh yes. I've even connected with some of the gals from high school -- I still call them 'gals.' I hadn't heard from some of them in ages, so it was exciting to look at their profiles and figure out who's retired, who's still working, and who's had some work done. I love browsing their photos and reading their updates. I know where they've been on vacation, which movies they've watched, and whether they hang their toilet paper over or under. I've also been playing a game with some of them."
"Let me guess. Farmville?"
"No, Mafia Wars. I'm a Hitman. No one messes with Edna."
"Wouldn't you rather meet some of your friends in person?"
"No, not really. It's so much easier on Facebook. We don't need to gussy ourselves up. We don't need to take baths or wear perfume or use mouthwash. That's the best thing about Facebook -- you can't smell anyone. Everyone is attractive, because everyone has picked a good profile pic. One of the gals is using a profile pic that was taken, I'm pretty certain, during the Eisenhower Administration. "
"What pic are you using?"
"Well, I spent five hours searching for a profile pic, but couldn't find one I really liked. So I decided to visit the local beauty salon."
"To make yourself look prettier?"
"No, to take a pic of one of the young ladies there. That's what I'm using."
"Didn't your friends notice that you look different?"
"Some of them did, but I just told them I've been doing lots of yoga."
"When did you realize that your Facebooking might be a problem?"
"I realized it last Sunday night, when I was on Facebook and saw a message on my wall from my husband: 'I moved out of the house five days ago. Just thought you should know.'"
"What did you do?"
"What else? I unfriended him of course!"
Blonde and Psychiatrist
A blonde is speaking to a psychiatrist. Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are
complaining that they can never reach me."
Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"
Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next
best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."
Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"
Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"
Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my
zip code keeps
changing."
I won’t beg someone to love me
I won’t beg someone to love me. I learned long ago that there is no use in hopeless pleas of trying to make someone stay. I am too valuable to chase someone who does not know my worth and to keep waiting for someone who doesn't acknowledge my value. I want to be loved unconditionally. I shouldn’t have to fight so hard for it. I am worth more than that. Doctor Doctor Collection 04
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible
Who said that?
53 classic hilarious short jokes
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.
I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
Winding up the tough guy
I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.
The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."
Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."
Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."
At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,
"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."
Praying for a Parking Space
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A golfer, who was known for hi...
A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.
"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."
A kindergarten teacher handed...
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella." 
