Jokes of the day for Saturday, 11 January 2025

Cheap Cell Phones

As a senior citizen on a fixed income I realize that the days of cheap cell phones are over...
Now, if I fall and hear a crack, I am hoping it's my leg and not my cell phone.

One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Fun at the zoo!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Chuck Norris graduated from sc...

Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

I was out walking with my 4 ye...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

Boss Wants Too Much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Speed Limit

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma'am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven't said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142" ...

Letters from Little Boys to God

Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear God, I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?NeilDear God,If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.Mickey D.Dear God,Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.BruceDear God,If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.RaphaelDear God,Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.GregDear God,Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.PeterDear God,You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.DeanDear God,Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?DougDear God,I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.Sam Dear God,I am American. What are you?RobertDear God,If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.JonathanDear God,Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.LarryDear God,I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.CharlesDear God,I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!Eugene-

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is...

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.
His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right?you've Been In Here For A While...
Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."
Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.but, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"
Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."

An old guy in his Volvo is dri...

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his car phone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".

"It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

Hats

Q: What Did One Hat Say to the Other Hat?

A: You Stay Here, I'll Go On A Head"

Joke found on fashionista.com, posted on FEB 20, 2007.

Photo by Jennifer Regnier on Unsplash

Face Painting

When my wife was sleeping, I drew Mark Hamill on her forehead.
You should have seen the Luke on her face!

Two golfing friends were about...

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."

Scream Day Jokes

April 24th is #ScreamDay, created to bring awareness to the benefits of screaming. #Scream some #jokes!

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…
The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?
A tornado

I like to lick women until they scream
Usually only takes one lick.

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?
Speed Racist.

#ScreamDay #ScreamDay2023

The Reverend and the golf game

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"