Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 19 March 2025

True Happiness

A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you!"

Titanic

Q: What do you get if you cross the atlantic with the titanic?

A: About halfway.

Escargot

A married couple were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment, but he was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails spilling them all down the stairs.

The door suddenly opens with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

A Silent Bomb in Church

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld

A pregnant woman went to the g...

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes" quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc.

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"

Looking for a Lumberjack...

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Sure, that's what they call it NOW!"

Hospital Trolley

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."    

What do you call people who ar...

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
- Claustrophobic.

Safety and Health at Work Day Jokes

April 28th is World Day for Safety and Health at Work! Find some jokes about it:

Danger is my middle name
but Safety first.

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?
He felt it was a tripping hazard.

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...
The drivers.

I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me. I'll never go to that spinning class again.

Some Safet quotes

If you think professional safety officers are expensive,wait until you see what an amateur costs
Follow the safety rules or you will be fired before you hit the ground
“In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.”
You’ll look pretty stupid trying to eat corn on the cob with no teeth
While on a ladder, never step back to admire your work
Ladder safety has it’s ups and downs.
Don’t watch her behind. Keep safety in mind!
Safety’s OK if you got all day.
Our aim is to keep the toilets clean – your aim will help!
When safety is a factor, call in a contractor.
Work Safely and Carry a Big Lunch Box
Be Safe at Work Today; Call In Sick
If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane

What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

My friend's dad is a dentist...

My friend's dad is a dentist. This is his pumpkin for Halloween.

30 Bacon jokes to celebrate International Bacon Day

The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes!

What is a pig’s favorite song?
"Don’t Go Bacon My Heart."

What’s a bacon lover’s favorite musical?
"Grease."

What’s a bacon lover’s favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine."

What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork.

Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon.

Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk!

What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz.

Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine.

What’s a bacon enthusiast’s favorite play?
"Hamlet."

What’s the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I’ve got bacon."

What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine!

Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet.

What’s the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up!

How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.’

What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig.

What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom.

How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one’s looking!

What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket!

Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon.

With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary.

Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon.

What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink.

Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog.

What’s the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks.

What’s the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck.

What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon.

What did the pig say at the beach?
"It’s so hot, I’m bacon!"

A husband and wife were in the...

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

Meeting the Parents

A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because hes a virgin. He goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms hed like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.
That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, I had no idea you were this religious.
The boy turns and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

There are three kinds of men...

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.