Jokes of the day for Thursday, 13 November 2025

Dining Companion

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing
sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Beethoven's Ninth

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth.

In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra.

About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Jack & Leroy

Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."

Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."

Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"

Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."

Leroy says "Give me an example."

Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."

Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."

The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"

Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."

"And it didn't work?"

"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."

Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."

Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."

A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

God Gots Jokes

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Then he asks,"Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

On a plane bound for New York...

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Gifts For A Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Half drunk

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him: "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"
The man replies: "I'm sorry, honey. I ran out of money."

Earth Day Joke

April 22nd is Earth Day! Find a joke about it!

Two planets were talking to each other. One said, "I've been feeling really sick lately."
The other asked, "What's wrong?"
The first planet replied, "I've got a bad case of humans."
The second planet said,
"Oh, I had that once, but don't worry - it doesn't last long!"

#earthday

I DON'T THINK...

I DON'T THINK THERE WILL BE ENOUGH COFFEE OR MIDDLE FINGERS FOR THIS MONDAY!

Safety and Health at Work Day Jokes

April 28th is World Day for Safety and Health at Work! Find some jokes about it:

Danger is my middle name
but Safety first.

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?
He felt it was a tripping hazard.

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...
The drivers.

I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me. I'll never go to that spinning class again.

Some Safet quotes

If you think professional safety officers are expensive,wait until you see what an amateur costs
Follow the safety rules or you will be fired before you hit the ground
“In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.”
You’ll look pretty stupid trying to eat corn on the cob with no teeth
While on a ladder, never step back to admire your work
Ladder safety has it’s ups and downs.
Don’t watch her behind. Keep safety in mind!
Safety’s OK if you got all day.
Our aim is to keep the toilets clean – your aim will help!
When safety is a factor, call in a contractor.
Work Safely and Carry a Big Lunch Box
Be Safe at Work Today; Call In Sick
If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane

Three men were talking about w...

Three men were talking about what their children would be saying about them thirty years from now.
"I would like my children to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Thirty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third man, the first one asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in thirty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied, "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'!"

No worry

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.

"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."

Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"

"That was my husband," she replied.

The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.

"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"

Nuns Discussing Drinks

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"

Why was Blackbeard upset?

Why was Blackbeard upset when he misplaced his jars of urine?
Because a pirate without p is irate.