Jokes of the day for Thursday, 25 December 2025

Lost boots

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.

A Blonde walks into a Restarau...

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"
The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."

An Israeli doctor says...

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." A Nigerian doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind...... We just took a man with NO brain, made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

Kittens

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."

Meals in Heaven

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,

the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,

and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell

and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,

pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,

and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of

tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed

a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and

chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna

was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to

be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this

is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the

Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two

people, does it pay to cook?"

7 short jokes for a good Tuesday

I asked my friend when his birthday was, and he said, "March 1st".
So I walked around the room like a soldier and asked him again.

I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
He said: "you’re fired."

My wife and I were walking through the park today and we passed a large groups of nuns.
I said wow what an opportunity for a joke, but I’ve got none.

Daughter: "How do I look, Dad?"
Me: "With your eyes, sweetie."

A dad went into his 13 yr old daughter's bedroom to find her smoking.
"How long have you been smoking?" he shouted.
"Since I lost my virginity," she replied.
"You lost your VIRGINITY?" he shrieked. "When the hell did this happen?"
The daughter replied, "No idea, I was drunk!"

A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"

"Come into the bedroom and I'll show you a good time," I said to the wife.
When she came up I showed her pictures of me and my mates before I met her!

You know your getting older when...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting 'lucky' means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Just Checkup

A naked woman is bouncing on her bed singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen year old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45-year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up, " she replied.

Women need a reason to have sex

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal (March 14 1948-)

Picture: Getty Images

Human=Donkey!

A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy is Equal to Donkey that works.

Funny Friday the 13th Jokes to Brighten Your Day

I don't worry about Friday the 13th.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.

On Friday the 13th, I dreamt that a horse in armor was chasing me.
It was a Knightmare.

What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?
Check your bank account.

Read more on page: 22 Friday The 13th Jokes

Whats a good pasta to make on Friday the 13th?
Fettuccine Afraid-O.

I don't have to be Freddie Krueger...
to be the man of your dreams.

Monday the 13th
sounds much worse than Friday the 13th.

Why don't mathematicians fear Friday the 13th?
Because they know it's just another irrational fear.

What Is Two Plus Two?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

A variation

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

Labor Distraction

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.

Shane Mauss: Freak Accident

I went to a Six Flags. Theres this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.