Memorable Thoughts

Santa Claus has the right idea … Visit people only once a year. –Victor Borge

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. –Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. –Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. –Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. –Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. — Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. –Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. –Mark Twain

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. –Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. –Henny Youngman

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was ‘shut up.' –Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. –Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. –Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink … and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. –W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. –George Burns

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good … spit it out. –Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. –Billy Crystal