Popular jokes (15376 to 15390)

Wrong Answer

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror while her husband reads in bed.
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly..........pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....

“Oops, I jumped into

“Oops, I jumped into the pool with my watch on. I don't know if it is waterproof or not. I guess only time will tell.”

...

Business One-liners 113

Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done is to determine that it isn't worth doing.
Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is neither easy nor pleasant.
Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in fine.
Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up going full circle.
Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a chance of seeing it before that time.
Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you make yourself easy to understand?

The woman had been away for tw

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."
"But why?" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

“Installing a new bat

“Installing a new bathroom fan is exhausting.”

Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love them. Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his mother." Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll." Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

Hanging up with my 90-year-old

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to 
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so 
stubborn.”
He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”

Q: What is a ...

Q: What is a blonde's favorite wine?
A: Daddy, I want to go to Miami!

I don't have an attitude prob

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the gutsto bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Wake Up Little Johnny

Mother (to sleeping Little Johnny): "Little Johnny, wake up! It’s twenty to eight."
Little Johnny (half asleep): "In whose favor?"

A Pillow Fight

Huge mistake challenging Death to a pillow fight.
I was NOT prepared for the reaper cushions.

You'll never see a ro

You'll never see a million hair putting everything into a shavings account. Instead he makes bald decisions, even if they be pure follicle.

3 guys and a bar by:

3 guyes walk into a bar

2 of them duck

 Answering Machine Message 188

I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.