Popular jokes (15391 to 15405)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
The Iri
The Irishman was visited by a ghost while making moonshine. “I can't sleep at night,” the man said, “it haunts me still.”A little old lady went to the
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a Little old lady!
Locked In The Trunk
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Monday, December 7, 1992
Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.
Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"
A woman goes to the doctor all
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Tax Preparation Software Vs. Hiring An Accountant
Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.
Marketing Strategy:
Tax Preparation Software: TurboTax’s Super Bowl commercial featured DJ Khaled
Accountant: Guy in Statue of Liberty costume twirling sign
Difficulty:
Tax Preparation Software: A little confusing to select deductions
Accountant: Terrifyingly easy to hand over your whole life to them
Best For:
Tax Preparation Software: Young, single renters with straightforward taxes
Accountant: Accountants
Speed:
Tax Preparation Software: As long as it takes you to go fill out online forms
Accountant: As long as it takes accountant to fill out online forms
Likelihood Of Having To Make Small Talk About Your Children For A Few Minutes:
Tax Preparation Software: Low
Accountant: High
Thrives On Ignorance:
Tax Preparation Software: Yes
Accountant: Yes
Greatest Benefit:
Tax Preparation Software: Not a human being
Accountant: Not a computer program
Tax Refund:
Tax Preparation Software: Smaller than you hoped
Accountant: Smaller than you hoped
“What did the dry era
“What did the dry erase marker say to the blackboard? Nothing! Dry erase markers don't chalk.”
Scary Collection 46
A witch joke
What is the difference between a witch and the letters M A K E S?
One make spells and the other spell makes!
A witch joke
What goes cackle, cackle, bonk?
A witch laughing her head off!
A witch joke
Why do witches go to the docks?
To see the bats being launched!
A wizard joke
Why do cats prefer wizards to witches?
Because the sorcerers often have milk in them!
A witch joke
What is an octopus?
An eight sided cat!
A wizard joke
Why did the wizard jump off the top of the Empire State Building?
He wanted to make a hit on Broadway!
A witch joke
Why did the witch feed her cat with pennies?
She wanted to put some money in the kitty!
Minutes before the cremation,
Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow."How old was your husband?" he asked.
"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."
"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"
“The chandelier manuf
“The chandelier manufacturer involved in shady deals came to the spotlight.”
Ninjas want to grow up to be j...
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.“Lead would be great
“Lead would be great for making electric guitars. After all, it is a heavy metal.”
10 Reasons Why God Created Eve...
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions.9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As 'Keeper of the Garden' Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone.' He only ends up getting himself in trouble.
AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ...
When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, 'I KNOW I can do better than THIS!!'
