Popular jokes (15601 to 15615)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Which rock star enjoys his mor
Which rock star enjoys his morning ritual with a newspaper? Lou Reed.#joke #short
The Cesium Song 12
Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...
Hold it! Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...
Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)
Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.
Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.
There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.
Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.
--- Songs of Cesium #76
#joke
Signs Seen Near Church
The following are actual signs found on church property.
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
Free Commandments
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends."So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."So finally God went to the Israelites and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" God said, "They're free."The Israelites said, "Great! We'll take ten!"#joke
As a punster, I took a break f
As a punster, I took a break from self loathing. That's why I've been on I hate us.#joke #short
Lightbulb Joke Collection 45
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nurse!
#joke #doctor
How does a flower ride a bike?...
How does a flower ride a bike?By pushing on the petals
#joke #short
Funny jokes-Charity
Tony had gathered a lot of cash from trick-or-treating, so he headed for candy store to buy some goodies.
"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, Where is Jesus today?Steven raises his hand and says, Hes in Heaven.
Mary answers, Hes in my heart.
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, Hes in our bathroom!
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
Well, Little Johnny says, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!
#joke #father
Knock Knock Collection 061
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Esther!
Esther who?
Esther anything I can do for you!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ether!
Ether who?
Ether bunny!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Etta!
Etta who?
Ettaquette!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eugenie!
Eugenie who?
Eugenie from the bottle who will grant me three wishes?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eunice!
Eunice who?
Eunice boy, let me in!
#joke #animal #bunny
One of my legs is actually jus...
One of my legs is actually just a hologram. It give me a rather e-femural sensation.#joke #short
“Should we give arson
“Should we give arsonists a punishment to fit the crime, or would that just be adding fools to the fire?”
#joke #short
Trying to win a Nobel Prize....
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
#joke
