Popular jokes (15691 to 15705)

Yo mama so black, I shot at he...

Yo mama so black, I shot at her and the bullet came back and asked for a flashlight

A pick pocket was up in court

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said, "Sir, you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, your honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

 One Equal To One Half

Theorem: 1 = 1/2:
Proof:
We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)
+...
as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) + ... ).
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.
We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7)
+ (4/7 - 5/9) + ...
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.
Thus 1/2 = 1.

How do you catch a s...

“How do you catch a skeleton?
- With a rib-cage.”

“The popularity of ho

“The popularity of hot air riding is ballooning.”

Jigsaw

A blonde found herself very lonely when her husband used to go away to work every day. So one day she decided to try a jigsaw puzzle to keep her mind occupied. She lay all the pieces out on the table but she could not get any two pieces to fit together. A few hours later her husband come home to find her very upset and almost in tears. He asked her what was wrong and she replied-

"I cant solve this stupid jigsaw puzzle! Its supposed to be a tiger but I cant even get two pieces to fit together!" The husband looked at the table, took a deep breath and said-

"Ok i will make us both a cup of tea and we'll sit down together and put all the frosties back in the box"

Yearly Exam

Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 feet 4",' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. 'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.

A mechanic was removing a cyli...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

I Just Want A Chicken Dinner

I could not find a frozen chicken big enough for my family dinner. I asked the young man behind the butcher counter if these chickens got any larger?
He replied, "I'm afraid not, they are all dead."

Student exams...

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead.

Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam.

Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

Chuck Norris runs until the tr...

Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.

 A Very Depressed Man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

An old man lived alone in New ...

An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament...

"Oye Francisco, I feeling pretty bat cuz I do not think I will be able to plant my chili garden this year. I just getting too old to dig a garden, but if you waz here, all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me. Siempre, tu poppy "

A few days later he received a letter from his son...

"Dear Poppy, Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I buried the BODIES! Love, Francisco"

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son...

"Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the chili now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Francisco"

Arj Barker: Overwhelmed at the Shoe Store

There are so many types of shoes. Theres so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes? Well, uh, Id like to have that option. Hopefully, theyre adjustable. I mean, Id like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.

An idiot guy walks up to the d...

An idiot guy walks up to the door of a bar, rolling a wheel along with him. The bouncer says, “Hey, what are you doing with that?”
“Last time I came here, they said we had to have proper IDs and a tire.”