Popular jokes (16021 to 16035)

Smart dog and the butcher...

A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again.

So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads, "I need 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, he finds the money for the order there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is well impressed, and since it's close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog.

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to an intersection. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button for the walk signal. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided. Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes, again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again.

There's no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to an open window, barks several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, yelling at him and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the world are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heavens sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass! This is the second time this week that he's forgotton his key."

Hearing Aid

Engineers & Light Bulbs

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Harley Davidson joke

The Italian Secret For a Long Marriage

Wading across the river...

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

Persevere!

 Having A Very Bad Day

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
   
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
   
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
   
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
   
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
   
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
   
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
   
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
   
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
   
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
    
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
    
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
    
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
    
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
    
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
    
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
    
17. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.
    
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
    
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
    
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
    
21. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
    
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
    
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
    
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
    
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
    

What do you call a matador who

One-Eyed Blonde

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

Q: Where do sheep get thei

Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At the baa baa shop!

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