Popular jokes (1606 to 1620)

Demetri Martin: Cool Leather

I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. Thats when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.

World UFO Day Jokes

July 2nd is World UFO Day! Find jokes about it!

Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.

Have u heard about the University For Oceans?
I heard the education is out of the world.

Why don’t aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they’ve just had a big launch

I have never seen a UFO before.
I’m always able to correctly identify the flying object

Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.

Today I got hit by a UFO
Then I turned around and looked down and I found a frisbee

I had my first UFO experience this morning
I walked into the kitchen and confessed to my mum that killed her prize Orchid. The next thing I knew, there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

What do you call an alien spaceship that’s leak water?
A crying saucer.

What do you call a pizza chef on an aeroplane?
A flying sauce-er.

#worldufoday #ufoday

Guide Dogs

Two men are walking doberman and a chihuahua when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, so they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical.

"Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job."

The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table.

The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog."

"A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks.

"A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!?"

Pancakes for the dogs

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

me: They’re for the dogs

wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

me: They don’t know how

Author: Josh

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.
When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen'".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself "I'll go one better than that English bastard", and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself "I'll go one further than those mainland bastards", and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...'"

Cowboys secret

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Two men are out ice fishing at...

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Buying Stamps for Hanukkah

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman replies, "Oh my. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

One Sunday, in counting the mo...

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinct ivepink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot,are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful;what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno"

How confident people are

You can determine how confident people are by listening to what they don't say about themselves.~ Author Unknown

Why Didn't Cain Please God?

Q: Why didn't Cain please God?A: Because he just wasn't Able.

High Monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!”
The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”

Demetri Martin: Clothing Sizes

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

A blonde pilot decided she wan...

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The Instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her by radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was running smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The Instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.
"What happened?" the Instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3000 feet. What happened then?"
"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."