Popular jokes (16186 to 16200)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
What do you call a Spaniard wh...
What do you call a Spaniard who loses his car?Jesus rose ag
Jesus rose again, on Yeaster Sunday. He died ferment, but truly He is the leaven Lord.Do you think I shall live...
"Do you think I shall live until I'm ninety, doctor?""How old are you now?"
"Forty."
"Do you drink, gamble, smoke, or have you any vices of any kind?"
"No. I don't drink, I never gamble, I loathe smoking; in fact, I don't have any vices."
"Well, good heavens, what do you want to live another fifty years for?"
"Isn't politics just...
"Isn't politics just horrible these days? People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has spent millions of dollars on plastic surgery. Shes so good looking now that her husband hit on her by accident last night."--Dave Letterman
What is a girl supposed to do?
The other day, I got a call from an unidentified number.
The caller said: Do you have a boyfriend?
I replied: Yes, why?
The caller said: So you have a boyfriend. This is your FATHER! You are barely in your teens and you have a boyfriend already?! I am coming home right now so we can have a little discussion!
I was already in trouble, and then I received another call, again from an unidentified number.
The caller said: Do you have a boyfriend?
I said : NO.
The caller said: This is your boyfriend. I can see you don't love me.
I said: Wait, sweetheart. I love you!!
The caller said : This is not your boyfriend. It's still your FATHER. I wanted to re-confirm you have a boyfriend. I'm on my way!!
Chuck Norris recently added "m...
Chuck Norris recently added "moose" to his list of "animals that tried to fight me and lost."Proctologist at the Bank
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to
endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his
shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his
mistake, he looked at the
thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great,
just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
Christian Finnegan: Car Alarm
If I ever have a car alarm, if I ever have a car, its just gonna be a big speaker on the back of my car, and whenever anybody tries to break in, its just gonna go, Attention: free bags of weed! Come get your free bags of weed! Because then, people are gonna come running -- maybe not the kind of people who can help a whole lot, but people, nonetheless.Doc...You've got to help me!
"Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."
The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"
"I push them away!"
"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"
The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"
Things To Do At Wal-Mart While You Wait For Your Family To Shop
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'I think we have a code 3 in housewares,' and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why won't you people leave me alone.'
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'
15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud.....'Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!'
How old are the dinosaur bones...
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
High Tech Delivery
My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room.
It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!
A wee Belfast boy came home fr...
A wee Belfast boy came home from school in tears."What's the matter, son?" asked his mammy.
"We were doing sums today, Mammy," he said.
"And were they too hard?"
"Well, the teacher said either I either couldn't count, or I was stupid, or maybe all three."
