Popular jokes (16171 to 16185)

“What kind of crime i

“What kind of crime is committed when a bird is attacked? A featheral offense.”

Two guys are walking through t

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this bigdeep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in thereand see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great bigrocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into thehole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determinedlook on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's arailroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT suckerin, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not asound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like thewind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running asfast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air andinto the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men andambles over.
"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running likecrazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat waschained to a railroad tie."

“I was looking for wa...

“I was looking for watch batteries but I wound up at a clock shop.”

If someone is vomiting, ron

If someone is vomiting, call emetic.

Have It Made

People say that money is not the key to happiness...
But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

A baby polar bear goes up to h

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"
The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?"
She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?"
His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?"
The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f***** freezing!"

Give Up Reading

Why do they call it the novel coronavirus?
It’s a long story…

Senior Tax Return

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants,
3 million crack heads,
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons,
Half of Mexico, and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
Plus 1 useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

Is That Your Husband?

After a night of making love the guy rolls over and says, "That's the best sex I've ever had!" Then he notices a picture of a man on the night stand, so he began to worry.
"Is that your husband?"
"No silly," she replied as she snuggled to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, not at all," she said as she nibbled at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" the bewildered man demanded.
Calmly the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery..."

 A Great Fruit Cake Recipie

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

Knock Knock Collection 050

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor!
Doctor who?
You just said it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don!
Don who?
Don Patrol!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donatello!
Donatello who?
Donatello'n me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Giovanni!
Don Giovanni who?
Don Giovanni talk to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Juan!
Don Juan who?
Don Juan to go to school today!

Hearing Aid

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Engineers & Light Bulbs

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

blonde pharmacist

Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?

They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

“In an effort to smoo

“In an effort to smooth things over and resolve their differences one gladiator said to the other, 'Let's bury the hatchet and go clubbing'.”