Popular jokes (16501 to 16515)

Chernobyl radiation victims ca

Chernobyl radiation victims can no longer sue. There is a statute of limb-mutations. The defendants will be held armless.

Never tell your age...

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Did you here about the guy who...

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?
He's alright now!

“When the Army barrac

“When the Army barracks bathroom is in use, it's usually by the loo tenant.”

It changed the meaning...

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

If you let your testicles get

If you let your testicles get too cold, you may suffer from hypospermia.

Get The Job Done

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."
Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Short funny jokes-Hide cash

 The 25 BBS Commandments

1. Thou shall love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
   
2. Thou shalt remember thy name and password.
   
3. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
   
4. Honor thy SysOp.
   
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor his or her real name, computer, software, nor any other thing belonging to him or her.
   
6. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning.
   
7. Thou shalt use the English language properly.
   
8. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.
   
9. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.
   
10. Thou shalt help other users.
    
11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
    
12. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself.
    
13. Woe be unto the user who attempt to crash thy BBS, for he or she shalt be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 days and 40 nights of penance of voice-only communications.
    
14. Thou shalt first dial BBS numbers during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
    
15. Thou shalt not post messages while drunk.
    
16. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgress upon those commandments.
    
17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.
    
18. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to a BBS, for verily it is written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus denied forever and ever.
    
19. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with the SysOp's rules.
    
20. Thou shalt observe BBS time limits.
    
21. Thou shalt not upload "worm" programs.
    
22. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that are already fully explained in the BBS instructions.
    
23. Thou shalt not exchange copy protected software thru the BBS.
    
24. Thou shalt not violate applicable state/federal/local laws hand regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thy will feel the wrath of thy judicial system.
    
25. Thou shalt not hack.
    

Bishop & the Bellringers

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 Business One-liners 64

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If I your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

Top Ten Questions I Would Have Asked Monica Lewinsky

10. "Are you as completely sick of yourself as the rest of

the planet?"

9. "Technically, I'm President of the Late Show -- is that

anything?"

8. "Can Vernon Jordan help me get my old job back at NBC?"

7. "Could you get Clinton to do something about those weird

Old Navy

commercials?"

6. "Did you ever have sex with the president while he was

talking to me?"

5. "Do you know how much easier you've made my job over the

last 14 months?"

4. "What's this about you possibly running for senator from

New York?"

3. "Where do you see yourself in 10 affairs?"

2. "Who will you be sleeping with in 2000 -- Gore or Bush?"

1. "Did you bring a clip?"

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

I borrowed your dog, didn̵

I borrowed your dog, didn't return it, and now you're acting all petulant?

A man went into a dentist and ...

A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".