Popular jokes (16621 to 16635)

What A Large Crowd

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."

A young man married a beautifu...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.....hmmmmm....... God, I miss him!".........
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government........This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

“I was sick of his po

“I was sick of his pointless stories, so I took an anecdote.”

Dave: I got this great new hea...

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Mary: Are you wearing it now?
Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Mary: Wow! What kind is it?
Dave: Twelve-thirty

Mad cow disease

Two cows are lying in a field.

One of them says to the other, “So what do you think about this whole mad cow disease thing?”

The other says, “What do I care? I’m a helicopter.”

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

What do you get if you cross a...

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?

The runner....

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!"

Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

Fax

How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

There is a stamp on it.

This man goes along to the Pat

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

“The meat market had

“The meat market had a sale on mutton. It was real sheep.”

A grizzled old man was eating ...

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk, and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

I thought Star Trek h...

I thought Star Trek had made its last movie. I Spock too soon.

Alcoholic Side-Effec

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

1. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
3. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
6. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
8. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
9. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
10. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
11. WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A traveling salesman asked a f

A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn. The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole. Got it?" The salesman thanked him and bedded down on a pile of hay. About midnight he got real horny and decided to take a poke at the first hole. It was good but not really satisfying so he took a poke at the second hole. It was even better but he still wasn't satisfied so he thought about the third hole and reasoned to himself, "If that first hole was pretty good and the second hole was even better, I'll bet that third hole will really do the trick!" The next morning the farmer noticed the salesman was still sleeping so he went about his chores and late in the afternoon he finally saw the salesman wake up. "Damn, son! You been sleeping a long time! What happened?" "Well," the salesman replied. "I should have listened to you. I got horny last night and tried that first hole and it was pretty fair but not really satisfying so I tried the second hole. It was good but didn't do the job so I took on that third hole. Say, what's behind them holes anyway?" "Son, that first hole is my sheep, Dolly. The second hole is my mare, Sally, and that third hole is my milking machine and that thing don't quit till it gets a quart!"

Grandmother Approved

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn’t find a thing for her grandson.
'Maybe a video or something educational?' I asked.
'No, that’s not it,' she said.
We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye, a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.
'This is perfect,' she said, beaming. 'My daughter-in-law will hate it.'