Popular jokes (16666 to 16680)

 Introduce Lawyers

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

Misc Women's Rules for Me...

Misc Women's Rules for Men

* Our cooking and menus are excellent - That isn't, however, an excuse for you to avoid cooking
* Buying us something does not constitute foreplay
* Answering "Who was that?" with "Nobody" doesn't end the conversation - Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
* Believe it or not, you're not more sexy when you're all sweaty
* Silence can mean anything and it could change without notice

Other tidbits

* Women are a pain in the ass, men are a pain EVERYWHERE!
* Men are great! Every woman should own one!!!
* Men are just like computers, and a smart woman keeps a backup.
* Men are only good for one thing... two, if they're good at it.
* Men come in three sizes: small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
* Men read Playboy for the articles like women go to malls for the music.

A mom of an eight year old boy...

A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies. He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is. The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth. The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"

Two Quarters

Joe: Every night I take two quarters to bed with me.
Peter: Whatever for?
Joe: They are my sleeping quarters.

The deadliest kind of shrimp? ...

The deadliest kind of shrimp? Prawn-as.

Confused

What do you call a nun with a sex change?

Tran-sister.

Submitted by Glaci

Edited by Curtis

And The 3 Year Old Said

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, 'Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?'
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, 'I just want to see how you drink like a fish.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

“When the doctor aske...

“When the doctor asked the editor how he was doing, he said he had a problem with his circulation.”

 Robert Schmidt 03

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Old tribal wisdom says that wh...

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Dear Pun Gents, Dear Pun Gents,
I am new to roller derby, and 46 years old. Need a badass derby name. I love the gym (weight train), medieval dragons and fairies. I love Marvel and DC comics (Harley Quinn being a favorite villainess). I also ride a Harley of my own. ~Michelle, Casa Grande

#joke #short #sport #gym

One day a guy noticed that he

One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
The guy went back to the doctor and said, "The cream you gave me didn't work!"
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said, "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".
So the next day the guy cam back and said, "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said, "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".
The next day the guy came back and said, "The cream you gave me worked! What was it?"
So the doc said, "Nothing special... It was just a lipstick remover".

Q: What do you call cheese th

Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!

I just got a job running Old M

I just got a job running Old McDonald's farm. I'm the new CEIEIO.

On July 8, 1947, witnesses cla...

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.

That clears up a lot of things.