Popular jokes (16651 to 16665)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A young man married a beautifu...
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.....hmmmmm....... God, I miss him!".........
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government........This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
Yo momma's so dumb, the psych
Yo momma's so dumb, the psychic hotline only charges her half price to read her mind!Why Ask Why 02
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
There is a man who has three g...
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
Chuck Norris recently added "m...
Chuck Norris recently added "moose" to his list of "animals that tried to fight me and lost."Grounded
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport.
After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.
“How come?,” his nephew asked.
“My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.
“Grounded?” the little boy said. “I didn't know planes had parents.”
This man goes along to the Pat
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Have you heard about the new m
Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?They're called "Predickamints".
College Student Q and A
College Student Q and A
Q: What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Q: Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Lexington, Kentucky . . . He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Genesis Revised
In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them."
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw this and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.
So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.
And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."
And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this!"
