Popular jokes (1681 to 1695)

Locked Out

Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time. I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day. After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution.
"Is there another door I could use?"

The Preacher and the Frog Princess

An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”

My husband and I both work, so

My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot.
Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three-year-old and told her to drink her milk.
She looked at me bewildered and replied, "But I didn’t order milk."

Question And Answer Jokes

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

New bull at farm

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."

The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"

About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes.

The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it."

The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 Mexican Genie

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says,"Hello Master,I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!

Kissing the secretary

One fine morning Dean came early into the office and caught his subordinate,Martin kissing his secretary.
Angered, Dean screamed: “Martin, do I pay you good salary for doing this?”
Martin: “No sir, I am doing this for free.”

A woman goes into Wal-Mart...

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound Of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her..being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is$2.50."

Hedonism among tropical fruits

There's a lot of hedonism among tropical fruits. It's always “Go, mango, guava good time!” But the next day they papaya the piper.

Few new short jokes

I had a joke about bowling...
But I'll Spare you.

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?
Dear Sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.

Did you know there are no smiles in Canada?
Only skilometers.

My wife demanded I stop taking Viagra each morning before I leave for the office, and replace it with Omega-3 and B vitamins.
She wants me to work smarter, not harder.

I was kicked out of music school accused of theft
, I was only taking notes.

I just saw a sign that made me piss myself.
'Toilet Closed.'

I have successfully managed to weigh a rainbow,
turns out it was pretty light.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house...
But the kids still get in!

Did you hear about the little boy who swallowed some coins and was admitted to hospital.
When the doctor did his rounds, he asked the nurse how he was doing. The nurse said there was 'no change.

Converting a Bear

Every Monday, a rabbi, a priest, and a preacher gather in a coffee shop to discuss their spiritual lives. During one of these meetings, the priest challenges the others to a unique bet: he believes he can convert a bear in the woods to his religion. The others are intrigued and accept the challenge, agreeing to share their experiences at their next meeting.
The following week, they all meet in the hospital, each in varying degrees of injury. They decide to convene in the rabbi's hospital room.

The Priest's Tale

The priest, with his arm in a sling, recounts his encounter first.
"Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The others nod in approval.

The Preacher's Encounter

Next, the preacher. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm.
He says
"Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible.
So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times.
Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."

The Rabbi's Experience

Finally, they turn to the rabbi. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon.
He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

Bottle Of Wine

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'

Only a Half Wit

Joe: "I've heard about your wit."
Moe: "Oh, that's nothing."
Joe: "Yeah, that's what I've heard."

It Takes A Long Time

Janice, my sister, had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen.
One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well.
"Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this."