Popular jokes (1681 to 1695)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Bicycle Day Jokes
Today is Bicycle Day! Find jokes about it!
Q: When is a bike not a bicycle?
A: When it turns into a driveway.
Q: What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
A: Attire (a tyre - gettit?).
Q: What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!
Q: Did you hear about the environmentalist who went down the same bicycle route twice?
A: He re-cycled.
Q: What do you call a therapist for cyclists?
A: A cycologist.
Q: How do you greet an OAP on their new bike tires?
A: Congratulations on your re-tire-ment!
Q: Do you know the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?
A: The road.
Q: What's the difference between a boy scout and a guy fixing bicycle horns?
A: One's motto is ‘be prepared’, the other's is ‘beep repaired’.
#bicycleday
International Bat Appreciation Day Joke
Today is International Bat Appreciation Day! Find a joke about it!
What is a bats favorite TV show?
Love at first bite.
What does a vampire use to bake cakes?
Batter.
What’s printed in the newspapers when a vampire dies?
An obatuary.
What did the bat do when he didn’t know the answer to the teacher‘s question?
He winged it.
How does a bat say hi to her mum?
With a sound wave.
Why do bats live in caves?
Because they rock.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
How do bats do the register at school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What animals are best at cricket?
Bats.
What do little bats eat?
Alpha-bat soup.
#internationalbatappreciationday
18 new Halloween jokes from 2020
Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store!
Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween!
Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries!
Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend.
Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE!
Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans.
Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which!
Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein!
Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries.
Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray!
Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.
Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.
Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie.
Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops.
Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers!
Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.
Why English Is Tough
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
My husband and I both work, so
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot. Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three-year-old and told her to drink her milk.
She looked at me bewildered and replied, "But I didn’t order milk."
Lost in the supermarket
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
Super Sex!!!
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's on-line obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat, and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.
She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!!!"
He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex", "Super Sex", "Super Sex".
Finally, he replies, "Ok, Ok, I'll take the soup".
People make time for who they want to
People make time for who they want to make time for. People text, call and reply to people they want to talk to. Never believe anyone who says they’re too busy. If they wanted to be around you, they would. ~ Author Unknown
Source: SimpleRemiders
This blonde decides one day th...
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Chris Rock: Natural Causes
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way. 
High maintenance
My new landlady made a pass at me. I declined, because I didn't want a Hi, mate tenants, relationship.
Sizing up the opportunity
A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar.
The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole.
Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?"
The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey.
The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow.
The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole.
The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!"
The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells him.
The man replies, "Yeah, he does that now...After the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it."
