Popular jokes (16831 to 16845)

A newly wed farmer and his wif...

A newly wed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

The two ladies were sitting in

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The son of the family was with them, on the theory that he would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six-years-old, freckled, buck-toothed and bespectacled. He maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at him.
Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very 'h-a-n-d-s- o-m-e', I fear," carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awfully 'b-r-i-g-h-t'!"

A guy goes to see his grandmot

A guy goes to see his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts that are on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, the friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts".
The grandmother says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only lick the chocolate off of them".

 Question And Answer Jokes

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 10?
A: A lawyer.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

“A golf course is a f

“A golf course is a foreground.”

Lexicographer Noah Webster was

Lexicographer Noah Webster was blessed with define inspiration.

Gift for Your Birthday #joke #humor

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

A couple just got a new house.

A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her, "Do you want a screw for that hinge?"
She looked back at him and said, "No, but I'll give you a blow job for that toaster in the window."

Senior citizen expects discoun

Senior citizen expects discount at a supermarket: “Do you have any Grey Coupon?”

Two Hindu Puns

Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.

One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"

His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."


A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."

"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."

Q: What did one math book say ...

Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!

“I ordered that a vau

“I ordered that a vault and speakers be delivered at my home yesterday. They arrived safe and sound.”

Never tell your age...

The census taker knocked on Donna's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

"But everyone tells their age to the census taker," he said.

"Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?" she asked.

"Certainly," he replied.

"Well, I'm the same age as they are!" she snapped.

"As old as the Hills," he wrote on his form.

Is it true Aristotle invented ...

Is it true Aristotle invented the sperm bank? No, but he did popularize the silo jism.

Mr. White and his wife went fo

Mr. White and his wife went for a gathering. At commencement of the program, the MC said the people were going to be grouped into two.
He said, "Those whose wives' are the head of the family move to the left-hand side of the auditorium, while those whose husbands are the head of the family should move to the right".
Mr. White asked his wife, "Honey, which group should we move to?"