Popular jokes (16846 to 16860)

One shot pony

An...

One shot pony

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling, "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver".

"Exactly." says the doctor.

A woman in a supermarket sees ...

A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of Tampax for 1 pound. She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager "is this deal correct?"

"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached"

New Home

When Little Johnny's family moved into a new double wide trailer one of their former neighbors dropped by. Seeing Johnny out front, he asked, “So, how do you like your new place?”

“It's terrific,” Little Johnny answered. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”

“Whoever served up th

“Whoever served up the wine at that banquet did a pour job.”

Second Opinion

This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped. He grabbed at a branch and was hanging in mid air. After an hour, he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me! Please, help me!"
All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.
The guy paused, looked up at heaven once more, and said: "Is there anyone else up there?"

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

#joke

Passing Gas

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."

 Have A Microsoft Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.
Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--
Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,
It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!
The above document was written by Chet Raymo.

Problem...

Problems of working abroad

Three unfortunate contractors find themselves stuck in a Gulf prison. One starts to pick away at the cement between two blocks of concrete. To his surprise he spots something shining. It turns out to be a tiny brass lamp. He brushes away the dirt and suddenly a cloud of red smoke appears from the spoat. As the smoke clears a big genie floats before them.

"Thanks guys! You've freed me from that miserable lamp and as you probably already know, we genies can grant three wishes. But only three wishes. Ok, let's get on with it."

The three prisoners have a quick discussion but it's obvious that since there are three of them and three wishes they should simply have one wish each.

First prisoner, "Genie, I wish I had never left my old job in Manchester and that I was still there." Wooosh! He disappeared.

The second prisoner steps forward eagerly, "Genie, I too wish I had never left my old job in Birmingham and that I was still working there." Wooosh! He also disappeared.

The last guy stood pondering, "Genie, I'm not so sure about going straight back to my old job in London. Should I go to see my mum or to my girlfriend's flat. I wish my two mates were still here to help me decide." .... Wooosh! Wooosh!

Hear about the cannibal who ki

Hear about the cannibal who kidnapped the octuplets?

 Answering Machine Message 147

We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in the earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.

One morning, a company CEO rea...

One morning, a company CEO read an unusual letter from one of his employees:

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read in the new$paper$, the U$ economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion.

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman

-----------------------------------------

The next day, the employee received this reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as of yet.

NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

 Have A Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you

Columbus Day always reminds me...

Columbus Day always reminds me of the brave exploration party Columbus assembled in 1492, with all four ships sailing off into the unknown. You remember the names of his four ships: The Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria and the Clyde. You don't hear too much about the Clyde anymore, since that's the one that sailed over the edge.

 Cards Not In Hallmark

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
   
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
   
3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
   
4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
   
5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
   
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
   
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
   
8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
   
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
   
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
    
12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
    
13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
    
14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
    
15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
    
16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
    
17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
    
18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
    
19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
    
20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
    
21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)