Popular jokes (16936 to 16950)

A man walks into the psychiatr...

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.

He says, “What is wrong with me?"

The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

“My friend started te

“My friend started telling me skeleton puns. They were all very rib tickling.”

Wearing a tight bathing suit c

Wearing a tight bathing suit can cure men's headaches, if it contains aspeedominophen.

People who take flight from Cu

People who take flight from Cuba, never to return are known as Castro-nots.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 22

You might be a redneck if...
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

I'm Always Dizzy

"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Carla.
"I have the solution for you," replied the doctor.
"Really, what is it?"
“Well, try getting up half an hour later."

Way to keep healthy level of i

Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Penny for Thoughts

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her

thoughts?

A: Change.

The young fellow is about to m

The young fellow is about to marry and asks his grandfather how often a married couple should have sex.
His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day; later on, maybe once a week. As you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."
The young fellow asks, "How about you and Grandma?"
His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now. She goes into her bedroom and I go into my bedroom. She yells, 'F**k you,' and I holler back, 'F**k you, too!'"

All expenses paid...

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old fart I had to share the room with?"

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. John noticed a film like substance on his plate,and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

It was this little girl's fir

It was this little girl's first day of schooland the teacher asked her what her name was andshe replied, "Happy Butt."
The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you needto go to the principal's office and get thisstraightened out." So she went to the principal'soffice and he asked, "What's your name?"
The little girl said, "Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to getthis straightened out once and for all. Aftergetting off the phone he looked at the littlegirl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys,not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt"what's the difference?

Sexual Advisor

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company."

"That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?"

"I'm not sure yet," he answered.

"During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know."

“How did Pavlov win a

“How did Pavlov win a Nobel prize?”

Feel the Hot Burn of Shame!!!

Have you seen the hottest new Catholic porn film?
It's 10 minutes of sex and 50 minutes of guilt.