Popular jokes (17041 to 17055)

Hot Tomato

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!

“A matchmaker makes m

“A matchmaker makes matches in order to find you the light of your life.”

Q: What do you call a belt wit

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time.

 Answering Machine Message 129

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

Solving constipation is a matt...

Solving constipation is a matter of bran over brown.

Living at Home

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.
The father told the mother, "If he takes the money, he will be a businessman; if he takes the Bible, he will be a priest; but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously, peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home.
He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also. Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality, then he left for his room carrying all the three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Damn! It's even worse than I ever imagined..."
"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.
"He's gonna be a politician." the father replied.

The farmer and his wife had wo

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

A new supermarket opened near

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automaticwater mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goeson, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell offresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing andexperience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck andcackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma ofbacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh butteredcorn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Into Thin Air

Question:

What do you call a hundred blondes stacked up on each other?

Answer:

An air mattress.

Breaking Up

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn't want him to.

Vaseline uses

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

Speeding

A man was driving a rig in a long line of tractor-trailers when a police officer pulled him over for speeding. Astounded that he alone was caught, he asked, "Out of all these trucks that were going just as fast as I was, why did you pull me over?"
"Have you ever gone fishing?" the officer asked.
"Yes," Walt replied.
"Well, have you ever caught all the fish in the pond?"

Timmy's Test Paper

Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Timmy’s test paper?”
Little Johnny: ”I hope you didn't see me either!”

People who take flight from Cu

People who take flight from Cuba, never to return are known as Castro-nots.

“Irresponsible financ

“Irresponsible financiers must be discredited.”