Popular jokes (17911 to 17925)

What do you say if som...

What do you say if someone tries to steal your gate?

An infamous stud with a long l

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied.
"Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop f**king his wife."
"So stop," the bartender said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

Medical Problem
A woman...

Medical Problem
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"
"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

A man comes home from his golf...

A man comes home from his golf game, and his wife asks if he had a good time.

"No," he said. "In fact, it was the worst day of my life! Harry dropped dead of a heart attack on the 9th hole!"

Sympathetic, his wife says, "Oh, poor Harry! And that must have been awful for you!"

The golfer replies, "You're telling me! For the whole back nine, it was 'Hit the ball, drag Harry; Hit the ball, drag Harry...'"

Whats Orange And Sounds Like A Parrot?

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!

Taxi

There was a lady who took a taxi home, and when the taxi driver approached her house she told him to stop, saying, "Okay, here, here is good." Then she asked the driver, "How much is it?" And the driver replied, "Ten dollars." Then, after searching in her purse for a while, she said, "Could you please go back 500 meters? I have only seven dollars on me!"

Life choices...

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"

“My wife is a Mensa m

“My wife is a Mensa member and a seamstress - she's a clever sew and sew.”

Teacher: Does any one of you k

Teacher: Does any one of you know what a comet is?
John: A comet is a star with a tail miss.
Teacher: Good answer, can you give an example?
John: Mickey Mouse.

 You Can Now Eat Your Own Plate

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

Turkey Loaf

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

A Doctor was addressing a larg

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

Bob is a regular guy and he is...

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up.

'Hey Jack, you're a betting kinda man aren't ya?'

'Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.'

'Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.'

Jack thought to himself, 'This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna be the easiest grand I've ever made.'

'Okay Bob. you're on.' Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, 'Okay Bob, Let's see what you got.'

Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack.

Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. 'What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.'

'Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.'

'Yeah, what about him.'

'Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn't you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.'

A lawyer was well into a lengt

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, when he stopped and said, "I object, your honor! One of the jurors is asleep." The Judge ruled, "You put him to sleep, so you wake him up."

Are the French known to waffle

Are the French known to waffle on their decisions?