Popular jokes (18571 to 18585)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Policeman joke
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"
The Preacher and the Friendly Ghost
A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumored to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place.
Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost.
The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed.
When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it.
The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.â€
From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
Demetri Martin: Power Nap
A power nap is when you sleep on someone whos weaker than you.Demetri Martin: Adult Toys
Its very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy -- location, location, location.A: I have the perfect son.
...
A: I have the perfect son.B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Farm Jokes 05
What is a cow's favorite TV show?
Dr Moo!
Why was the farmer hopping mad?
Because someone had trodden on his corn!
What would happen if bulls could fly?
You would have to carry an umbrella all the time and beef would go up!
What do you get if a sheep walks under a cloud?
A sheep that's under the weather!
Why do cows like being told jokes?
Because they like being amoosed!
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons!
What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?
A groundhog!
How do you take a pig to hospital?
By hambulance!
What do you call a joke book for chickens?
A yolk book!
Intercom repair
My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.
One night while he was staffing the drive-thru, a customer told him that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.
She asked, “Is that okay now?”
“Well, no,” the customer replied. “Now you sound like a girl.”
“Global warming campa...
“Global warming campaigners lament the invention of the infernal combustion engine.”
Kiss my relatives
When I have to kiss my relatives at family functions, it's like the coming of the pack o' lips.I took a swing at the fog, but
I took a swing at the fog, but I mist.A simple misunderstandin...
A simple misunderstanding
There is a factory in New Zealand which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. So the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountain of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry,"he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
Beer Drinkers Guide:
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
A foursome of senior golfers h...
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained."These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
