Popular jokes (18586 to 18600)

Beer Drinkers Guide:

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

A foursome of senior golfers h...

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

This elderly couple were sitti...

This elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold apartment when the husband said, "Doris, we are in bad shape. Inflation has completely eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week and we've got no money left for food."

"Well, just what can we do??" she asked.

"Well, gosh," he said. "I just hate to see you do this but it's the only way. You're going to have to go out and hustle."

"Me??" she said. "At my ripe old age of seventy-five?"

"Yes, it's the only way," he answered. "I can't do anything myself, why with my debilitating arthritis and everything."

Resigned to the situation, the wife hobbled out with her walking cane into the warm night. She came staggering in the next morning.

"How did you do?" asked the husband.

"Here," she said. "I've got four dollars and ten cents."

"Four dollars and ten cents?" he said. "Heck, who gave you ten cents to have sex with him?!?"

"Everybody," she replied.

A man goes into his local buil...

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.
"It's going to be a barbecue."
"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue."
"Not really. You see, I live on the 12th floor."

I gave up honey, if you can I gave up honey, if you can bee leave it.

#joke #short #animal #bee #food #honey

Little Johnny had finished his...

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to
tell her that he was misbehaving.
"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.

“Charles, the future

“Charles, the future king of England, has released a book of images of cetaceans. It is called 'The Prints of Whales'.”

Daddy's password...

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it? her older sisters asked, eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

 Japanese Management Lecture

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is your last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"

the gates of heaven

Three nuns die and go to heaven. When they reach the gates of heaven ST. Peter tells them that they have to answer a question to enter. Then he asks them which one wants to go first. The oldest of the three say I will go fisrt and set an example for the other two. So St Peter asks her "Who was the first man on Earth?"

. She says thats easy Adam was the first man on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring, and the gates of heaven open wide and the nun enters. Well the second nun steps up and says I guess I will go next. St Peter asks her "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

She answers thats easy Eve was the first woman on Earth. Lights flash, horns blow, bells ring and the gates of heaven open up and that nun enters. The last nun steps up and says I guess it is my turn now. St Peter then asks her "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"

. The nun thinks and thinks and she cant come up with what Evesaid to Adam first so she looks at St Peter and says "Thats hard". Lights flash, horns blow bells ring and the gates of heaven open up.

Contrasting Aims

The opposite of isolate...
... is yousoearly.

So you want to marry a millionaire ?

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, But we dont know anything about each other. He said,Thats all right, well learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
That was incredible! she said.
I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you wed learn more about ourselves as we went along. So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
That was incredible! he said. Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?
No, she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

“Stealing my computer

“Stealing my computer files rarely gets my back up.”

“The leopard was so g

“The leopard was so good at guessing. Every time he was spot on.”

“My washing machine b

“My washing machine broke down this morning, but I didn't get too agitated.”