Popular jokes (18601 to 18615)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
“The leopard was so g
“The leopard was so good at guessing. Every time he was spot on.”
“My washing machine b
“My washing machine broke down this morning, but I didn't get too agitated.”
Turn signal...
On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.
Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.
Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Knock Knock Collection 050
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor!
Doctor who?
You just said it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don!
Don who?
Don Patrol!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donatello!
Donatello who?
Donatello'n me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Giovanni!
Don Giovanni who?
Don Giovanni talk to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Juan!
Don Juan who?
Don Juan to go to school today!
The Search for a Pastor During Bible Times
Dear Member,
We do not have a happy report, as we have not been able to find a suitable candidate for pastor of our church thus far. We do, however, have one promising prospect. The following is our confidential report on the candidates:
Adam: Good man, but has problems with his wife.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart. Interprets dreams. Has a prison record.
Moses: Modest and meek, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings.
Deborah: One word—female.
David: The most promising candidate of all, until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbor’s wife.
Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problems.
Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a huge fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a problem with wealthy people.
John: Says he’s a Baptist, but doesn’t dress like one. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. But he’s short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday with great hopes that he will accept our offer!
From "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.
Reaching the end of a job inte
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."Signs of Aging...
Signs you are getting old:1. You don't hold in your stomach when someone young and attractive enters the room.
2. You can live with out sex but not without glasses.
3. You are proud of your lawn mower.
4. Your friend is dating someone half his age, but not breaking the law.
5. You can sing along with elevator music.
6. Someone calls your house at 9 pm, and asks, 'Did I wake you up?'
A very successful lawyer parke
A very successful lawyer parked his shiny new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the man started screaming hysterically. His Lexus was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally stopped ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you're not even aware your left arm is missing from the elbow down! It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Help!" screamed the man. "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Mechanic v. Surgeon
Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the
lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael
DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the
service manager.
Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage,
"Hey DeBakey . . . . Is dat you ? Come over here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where
Morris was working on a car.
Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said
argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I
also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I
finish this baby will
purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when
you and me are doing basically the same work?"
DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to
Morris . . . "Try doing your work with the engine running."
Marriage counseling....
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
