Popular jokes (19156 to 19170)

Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks,
''What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday

A Frenchman who was leaving hi...

A Frenchman who was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt.

Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."

"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife. But it's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."

So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again.

"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said.

"Well?"

"The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom.

"And so...?" inquired Charles.

"Well, first they took off all their clothes. Incidentally, my dear friend, your wife has a lovely body."

"She does indeed," said Charles thoughtfully. "What happened then?"

"Then?" Pierre shook his head sorrowfully. "Then is when they turned out the light. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."

Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."

Fertilizer...

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

 I Get No Respect 03

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"
"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"
"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days..just nights."
"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."
"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."
"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

If Companies Run Christmas

If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

 Bad To Hear In Surgery

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
   
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
   
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
   
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
   
5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
   
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
   
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
   
8. There go the lights again?
   
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
   
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
    
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
    
12. What's this doing here?
    
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
    
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
    
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
    
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
    
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
    
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
    
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
    
20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
    
21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
    
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
    
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
    

 Caught By Alligators

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Inverness, FL
A 71-yearl-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television, helped him escape.
"I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye.
Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew about alligators' general behavior.
He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.

The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.“I��m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

A man went to visit his 90 yea...

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather who lived way out in the boondocks. After he'd spent the night, his grandfather fixed him bacon and eggs for breakfast.

Noticing a heavy film on his plate and he questioned, "Grandpa, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

Later on that afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Grandpa, are you sure these plates are clean?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather replied, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later on that afternoon, and feeling a bit queasy, he decided to go to a nearby town for dinner.

As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. He called out, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the baseball game he was watching, Grandpa shouted back, "Coldwater, get your flea bitten ass out of the way!"

My relatives tend to be thin e

My relatives tend to be thin except for my distend cousins.

The man approached the very be

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Differe...

Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

One day an Englishman, a Scots

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!"

Vice President Pride

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”

One day a man walks into a den

One day a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging £20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just £10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"