Popular jokes (19651 to 19665)

 Business One-liners 81

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore.
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Leakproof seals will.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

Switching Grooms

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”

Yo momma so ugly she looked ou...

Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Toothbrush

How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a "teethbrush.

DonR

Don't drink anything while vacationing in the Caribbean. Especially in Jamaica. You'll get the rums.

#joke #short #drinks #rum

Various popular diets

A nurse, who has done a lot of research about dieting, had given information about the various popular diets including Atkins, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and the South Beach Diet.

She then mentioned a diet about which we haven't heard previously, but which she insists works for almost everyone:

The Dawn Keye Diet

To Lose Weight, Keep your Ass out of the Refridgerator.

A head-hunter is a s...

“A head-hunter is a safari leader.”

The Duck and the Condom

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Valentine Flowers

When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter quickly opened the card. All it said was, "No."
What did that mean? She called her husband and asked him.
"I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No'."

Why is it that your nose runs,

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

After dying in a car crash, th...

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"

Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."

Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives."

Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Signs You Have a Hangover

1. Youre convinced that chirping birds are Satans pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to stay still.
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. Youd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, Step right up and give it whirl!
8. All day long your motto is, Never again.
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to Good morning, is Shut up!

A man goes to Morris the tailo

A man goes to Morris the tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the sleeves are too long.
"No problem," says Morris the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little... no, a little more... that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Sherry and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Sherry, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but the suit -- what a beautiful fit."

An idiot decided to start a ch...

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

Photography of internal organs

“Is photography of internal organs the wave of the future, or just a flash in the pancreas?”