Popular jokes (19636 to 19650)

Q. What can you give and keep

Q. What can you give and keep at the same time?
A. A cold!

Father Murphy walks into a pub...

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do
Father." The priest said, "Then stands over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to get to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply."Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and
said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die,
yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

An Irishman and an American we

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".
"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.
"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time."
"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.
"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, I haven't been away at all."

“A taxidermist specia

“A taxidermist specializes in skin for cabs.”

Only in America...... Only in America......

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
• do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

#joke #animal #dog #food #pizza #fries #drinks #coke

I could never live in a societ

I could never live in a society run by grizzlies. Way too much bearocracy.

Special Locket

Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive?”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”

This is the true story of Geor...

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Peter was telling a friend tha...

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.

“Why did the foreman fire you?” the friend asked in surprise.
“Oh,” Peter said, “you know how foreman are. They stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else work.”

“We all know that,” replied his friend. “But why did he let you go?”

“Jealousy,” answered Pete. “All the other workers thought I was the foreman.”

What did Mrs. Claus say to San...

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?
"Looks like rein dear"

Tony White, Loanhead

Chuck Norris can roundhouse ki...

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick with his left leg and his right leg. At the same time.

 Business One-liners 81

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore.
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Leakproof seals will.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

Switching Grooms

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”

Yo momma so ugly she looked ou...

Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Toothbrush

How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?

Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a "teethbrush.