Popular jokes (19726 to 19740)

A little girl runs out to the

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams…and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Silent occasion

“The mime's farewell was a silent occasion, but I guess that goes without saying.”

“A cowbell is what yo

“A cowbell is what you call a lovely Southern cow.”

Miming

By definition, miming is not aloud.

The grass is always greener on...

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there; then the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Hear about the baseball pitche

Hear about the baseball pitcher who refused to endorse Wal-Mart, because it was a big balk store?

Ted and Julie go to bed with e

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.
Julie: "I should warn you, Ted -- I've got acute angina."
Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

Those who are willing to taste

Those who are willing to taste unfamiliar foods will try-yum-ph in the end.

Fall-Down Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air, thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

Screw it, he thought. Ill just crawl home. The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. You went out drinking last night, didnt you? she said. Uh, yes, he said sheepishly. How did you know? You left your wheelchair at the bar again.

Animal football

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.

Then came the second half...

First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.

The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.

"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.

"I did," said the centipede.

Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.

Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.

Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.

Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"

The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"

The Playground

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Slot machine

The old maid walked into the butcher shop and ordered a salami.

The butcher put it on the machine and began slicing.

The old maid yelled, "Hey, what do you think I am, a slot machine?"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by yisman

Kryptonite has been found to c...

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

The spread of Walmart is like ...

The spread of Walmart is like a plague of low-costs.

No more nailbiting...

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

My Billy used to do the same things," the older woman replied, "but I broke him of that pesky habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth!"