Popular jokes (19936 to 19950)

Old man to young boy: Can you ...

Old man to young boy: Can you come closer? I'm a little deaf and can't hear what you're saying from over there. Boy: I'm not talking to you -- I'm chewing gum!

Blonde jokes-No kidding

10 Christian Pick-up Lines

* Nice Bible.
* God told me to come and meet you.
* Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
* I know a church where we could go and talk.
* What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
* Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? Oh, I mean, what would Jesus do?
* Do you believe in divine appointment?
* Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
* Christians kiss before parting–it’s an old Jewish tradition.
* Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member qtbabe

There is no arguing with cowbo

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US ForestService were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers forcontrolling the coyote population. It seems that after years of theranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping thepredator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What theyproposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated andlet loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower'sAssociation by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thoughtabout this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back andsaid, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain'tf*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.

Free meat....

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

A suggestion from a Human Reso...

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

You Might Be A Redneck If 69

You might be a reneck if...

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.

You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.

Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.

You consider your annual bath one too many.

You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.

If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

Ponderings Collection 29

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

Short funny jokes-Wet weather

If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?
An umbrella.

At a New Year's Eve party it

At a New Year's Eve party it had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
"You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

New Exercises for Older People...

New Exercises for Older People

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Miracle worker...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"

Quote from Mr. TP: “r...

Quote from Mr. TP: “I pity the stool.“

Born Irish

Sex Before Marriage

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?