Popular jokes (19921 to 19935)

It takes a certain typ

It takes a certain type to commit infonticide.

Herd of cows...

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

We all get stung, after the st

We all get stung, after the stock market has piqued.

Marriage counselor

Husband to counselor: We were very happy for 22 years.

Counselor: What happened?

Husband: We got married.

Counselor, turning to wife: Do you agree with your husband's assessment of your marriage?

Wife: Yes, the only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Over drinks one afternoon a bu

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

What is a ghost's favo...

What is a ghost's favourite food?
Ghoulash

Eternal Marriage

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

Hilarious jokes-Angry Birds application

Joan and her neighbor are talk...

Joan and her neighbor are talking about their daughters. Joan says, "My daughter is at the university. She's very bright, you know. Every time we get a letter from her we have to go to the dictionary."
Her neighbor says, "You are lucky, every time we hear from our daughter we have to go to the bank."

California Winemakers

California winemakers in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
I heard it through the grapevine.

The Duck and the Condom

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.

The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''

''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

Business one-liners 48

There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.

There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.

There is no limit to how bad things can get.

There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.

There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.

There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.

There is no such thing as instant experience.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Fun To Do In Elevators

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
   
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
   
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
   
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
   
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
   
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
   
7. Shave.
   
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
   
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
   
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    
14. One word: Flatulence!
    
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
    
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    
20. Meow occassionally.
    
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    
24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    
25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    
27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    
28. Leave a box between the doors.
    
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    
31. Start a sing-along.
    
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    
33. Play the harmonica.
    
34. Shadow box.
    
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    
36. Lean against the button panel.
    
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
    
40. Bring a chair along.
    
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    
42. Blow spit bubbles.
    
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    
44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    
48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    

Elementary school talent shows...

Elementary school talent shows are intense. Some of the competitors really go for the juggler.

Solution To The Y2K Problem

The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a new document?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch ?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch Document ?
A: Don't shake it.