Popular jokes (20251 to 20265)

Donation

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the

preacher made

an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man

in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and

announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich

man on the

shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I

will increase my

donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again,

and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my

last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him

on the head.

He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give

$20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit

him again!"

“The teacher droned o

“The teacher droned on and on about robots.”

With Christmas over, Rudolph t

With Christmas over, Rudolph the Reindeer spends his time producing electricity. Sounds strange, but he nose watt he's doing.

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan .
'This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic... rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

“What do you call it

“What do you call it when a dog eats your Birkenstocks? Sandal-ism.”

A young and foolish pilot want

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

“I told Riley she eat

“I told Riley she eats too many pickles. She said to dill with it.”

8 twice

Why is 88 better than 69?

You get 8 twice.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

Q: What is the difference betw...

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell?

A: I don't know. But I'll tell you what's the same. They both have a million to one chance of becoming a human being.

Dictionary for women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

“I recycle. I just bo

“I recycle. I just bought a used Harley.”

A collection of insults!

We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!

We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".

You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

Is your name Amazon? You`re so wide at the mouth.

You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!

A dope you are and dope will remain.

Completely unlike cocaine.

You add to, not diminish, pain!

We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?

Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.

We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.

It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.

Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.

Philanthropy

"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.
"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.
"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."

What a talent....

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.

The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.

"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"

A man was walking through a pa

A man was walking through a park one day when he stumbles across a ladder leading up into the clouds. Curious, he climbs the ladder and finds himself on a cloud with a fat woman.
"Screw me or keep climbing the ladder to success," she said.
Not really interested in the fat woman the man kept on climbing till he reached the second cloud.
On this cloud was an average looking woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
Interested, the man decided to climb even higher to a cloud where he found a sexy lady lying on a cloud. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
Wondering how much better this could get the man climbed even higher until he reached the next cloud to find, to his surprise, a large fat man.
"Hello, hello. I'm Cess."