Popular jokes (20281 to 20295)

Choking on your breakfast can

Choking on your breakfast can be eggs aspirating.

50 Years of Marriage

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Udurawana, coming back from a ...

Udurawana, coming back from a late night movie was attacked by a thief. There was a terrific fight and Udurawana gave a good account for himself. But finally the thief tied him down and went through his pockets.
He found only 25 cents.
The exasperated robber exclaimed "What the hell.
Why were you fighting for only 25 Cents"
Udurawana replied "Oh. You were only after this 25 Cents is it ? I thought you were after the Rs.1,000 I have hidden in my left shoe".

Two cattle drovers standing in...

Two cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought

Special Locket

Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive?”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”

 Signs And Notices 15

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign in a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER: "COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book: "A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

New Year Vow

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered...
Nobody likes a quitter!

Some Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.
One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

The Prince & The Princess

Contributed by Bob Wingfield

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem, everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily
ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

October 13, 2011

What Do You Like Best About Me

Contributed by The Florida Dude

I asked the Dudette the other day what she liked best about me....

"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"

She replied....

"Your sense of humor, dear."

#joke