Popular jokes (20431 to 20445)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Answering Machine Message 76
French monologue in the background: Around the world today, millions still speak French as either a first or second language. But with your continued support and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to you, just say, "non".
Superbowl Tickets
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
The Million Dollar Question for God
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."
The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies, "In a second."
A man was walking down the str
A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. "Give me all your money!"He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?"
The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"
An older man walks into Murphy
An older man walks into Murphy's Pub with three women and announces, "I'll give any man a sovereign to marry my 20 year old daughter, I'll give you ten sovereigns to marry my 30 year old daughter, and to marry my 40 year old daughter, I'll give you a hundred sovereigns!"At first there was nothing but silence, until a voice from the back of the room said, "Have you got a daughter about 80?"
Bob, a man of few words, had e
Bob, a man of few words, had evaded many a marital trap, but was now hopelessly in love with pretty young Sue. Finally he said, "Will you marry me, Sue?"She smiled and said, "Oh yes, Bob."
There followed a long silence, till Sue said, "Well, say something more, Bob."
And Bob said hollowly, "I think I've said too much as it is."
My Girlfriend Isn't Talking to Me
Apparently, I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that...
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Assimilation
A young Talmud scholar who left Poland for America returns
several years later to visit his family. "But where is your
beard?" asks his mother. "Mama, in America nobody wears a
beard." "But at least you keep the Sabbath?" "Mama, business
is business. In America, people work on the Sabbath." "But
kosher food you still eat?" "Mama, in America it's very
difficult to keep kosher." The old lady hesitates for a
moment and then, in a hoarse whisper, she says, "Shloime,
tell me one thing. Are you still circumcised?"
Lightbulb Joke Collection 10
Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers...
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Note: This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.)
Jesus in the Bathroom
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
A man walks out of a bar and s...
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
The man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
