Popular jokes (20476 to 20490)

It's Saturday morning and Bob

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on his round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So he heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's Just laying there crying"
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's just laying there not moving."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

Leaves of the Book

A little boy opened the big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

An idiot heard that a fortune

An idiot heard that a fortune could be made by working as a lumberjack in Canada. So, off he goes. After some weeks, he arrives at a lumberjack-camp and asks the foreman for a job.
Foreman: "Okay sonny, but you'll have to do a test first. If you can chop down 100 trees tomorrow you're hired."
So, next day, the idiot gets his chainsaw and happily saws away all day. However, when trees are counted the idiot only has 98...

"Oh well," says the foreman, "You'll get another chance tomorrow."
So, next day, same story, 99 trees.
"I don't believe this," says the foreman, "A big strong fella like yourself should be able to cut down 200 trees in a day. You know what? You get one more chance, and I'll join you to show you the trick of it".
So, next day, the idiot and the foreman go into the forest. Upon arrival at a nice open spot the foreman puts the chainsaw on the ground, and starts the engine... Says the idiot: "What that? Where's the noise coming from?"

I was in Paris, with orders to...

I was in Paris, with orders to replace my boss's antique white chesspieces. He told me, “Spare no expense!” He gave me a blanc échec.

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Where should a dressmaker buil...

Where should a dressmaker build her house?
On the outskirts.
The Gremlin, Abbey Terrace

 Answering Machine Message 135

Hi, you've reached 474-2340. Don, Kendy and Sylvia can't come to the phone right now because they've been kidnapped by aliens and replaced by android duplicates. You could leave your name and number at the tone, but I wouldn't -- you might be next! (evil laugh)

Finalizing My Divorce

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
'Will there be any change of address?' the clerk inquired.
'No,' I replied.
'Oh, good,' she said, clearly delighted. 'You got the house.'

Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?

Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior
Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property
D: dog not found
C: file not found

Favorite trick
D: roll over
C: play dead

Comic-page hero
D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads
D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus
D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate
D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool
D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures
D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one
kind of like this once

Method of marking territory
D: lifting leg
C: “Designed for Windows 95″

Unique behavior
D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature
D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan
D: 12 years
C: 12 months

Church members...

Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Donation

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the

preacher made

an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man

in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and

announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich

man on the

shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I

will increase my

donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again,

and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my

last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him

on the head.

He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give

$20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit

him again!"

A wealthy old lady decides to

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

“I told Riley she eat

“I told Riley she eats too many pickles. She said to dill with it.”

My friend has a bad habit of o

My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account.
One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.”
Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook, “That's okay, I’m using rubber.”

A truck driver is driving alon...

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”