Popular jokes (20671 to 20685)

The Vow of Celebracy

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.
The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.
"The R! They left out the R!"
"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Philanthropy

"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.
"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.
"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."

What Causes People To Have Arthritis?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

There was once a monk who like...

There was once a monk who liked to peddle flowers in front of a large shopping establishment. He was a very annoying fellow, who would constantly beseech you to buy his flowers, and when you refused he would curse you with all the fire and brimstone he could muster.

This was very annoying to the patrons of the shopping center, and they began to take their business elsewhere. The businessmen became upset, because this fellow was driving away all the shoppers.

One day, one of them got an idea. He ran off to the cattle yard, and purchased a lamb. He then came back and climbed to the roof of the building, threw the lamb over the side, killing the monk below as he was selling his flowers.

The other businessmen came up to him and asked, "Why did you do that?"

He replied, "I had to. Only ewes can stop florist friars."

Broomtown

All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple.

The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom.

"But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

I’m about three years into m

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

I compulsively collect appetiz

I compulsively collect appetizers. I'm a bit of a hors d'oeuvre.

“A couch is a remote

“A couch is a remote location.”

Culture Shock

Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here." One cup of yogurt says, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND ** JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand**j*bs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I
sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real f***king good because I want a cheeseburger."

#joke #animal #chicken #fruit #apple #food #sandwich #drinks #beer #sport #golfer

All the self-mutilators live i

All the self-mutilators live in Qatar.

A young couple are flying to B

A young couple are flying to Bali to get married. Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
A little later, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.
They were happy to be honest with each other. They went on to Bali and got married on the beach. On their wedding night, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's wedding tackle and the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she recovered the guy said, "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby."

The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds in weight and 21 inches long."

Explicitly hardcore Hobbit fic

Explicitly hardcore Hobbit fiction, aka Gnomoerotica.

No flights to France will be d

No flights to France will be delayed. It's Gaul on time's Day!

After a long night of making l

After a long night of making love, John rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.Unable to find it, he asked Mary if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Mary replied, "That's me before the operation."