Popular jokes (21046 to 21060)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
An annoyingly self-righteous m...
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up.He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."
"Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been."
The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"
There Are No Honest Lawyers
A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put `here lies an honest lawyer'."
"But that won't let people know who it is!" protested the lawyer.
"Sure it will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's impossible!"
#joke #lawyer
Having arrived at the edge of ...
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.An hour or so later, the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
Another
It is becoming a very scary world out there . . . . .Another Famous American converts to Islam ...
It was announced today that Buckwheat,
Of Our Gang fame, Has converted To
The Muslim faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat.
I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!
#joke #short
Dream
I hope that I live long enough to shoot my age#joke #short
Knock-Knock
Who's there?<...
Knock-KnockWho's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub I'm dwowning!
#joke #short
Communicating at home
As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped.
She looked at her phone. It was a text message from her husband.
The message: 'Please Move.'
#joke #short
Humor-Words
Reasearch says that a man speaks 25000 words a day while a woman speaks 30000 words.
The problem is with the timing - while the husband consumes his 25000 words at work, the wife's 30000 start when the husband reaches home.
The problem is with the timing - while the husband consumes his 25000 words at work, the wife's 30000 start when the husband reaches home.
#joke #short
During a simulated attack, the
During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. "You there," the sergeant shouts, "the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!"The recruit takes ten steps to one side.
"What are you doing, man?" Yells the sergeant, purple with fury.
"I'm taking shelter behind an imaginary hill, Sergeant," answers the recruit calmly.
#joke
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY STATISTICS
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTINGMARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking mein the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing tothem at funerals.
#joke #wedding
GOP Promises – News from The Onion
GOP Promises Americans Will Be Able To Keep Current Medical Conditions If Obamacare Repealed.
Click here to read the full Text
What did the big chimney say t...
What did the big chimney say to the wee chimney? You can have my soot when I die.#joke #short
Lemon Juice
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
A church minister decided to t...
A church minister decided to try something a little different for his Sunday sermon. He told his congregation: "I am going to call out a single word, and I want you to sing a hymn that immediately springs to mind."First, the minister shouted out: "Cross."
And the congregation started to sing in unison: "The Old Rugged Cross."
Next he shouted out: "Grace."
And the congregation immediately burst into a rendition of "Amazing Grace."
Then the minister called out: "Sex."
There was a stunned silence from the congregation with everyone looking at each other nervously until a little old lady at the back started to sing in a frail, trembling voice: "Precious memories..."
#joke
