Popular jokes (21331 to 21345)

Vaseline research

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

Pickled Bread

Q: What's another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill dough.

"Rather absent-minded, isn't

"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"
"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think."
"And did he finally remember it?"
"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."

There is no smoking in the cab...

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.
There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is; the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

Prison Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money.
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. Dear husband, you wouldnt believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden.
The prisoner writes back: Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.

Doing This Great Deed

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

Phil had just joined a club af...

Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time).

They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up.

Phil, confused about this, asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out?"

His friend said, "well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all, and if you want to tell a joke, you just call out a number."

Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded, and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter, and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after.

"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked.

His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."

The manager of a large office ...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

New Mercedes

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

An annoyingly self-righteous m...

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up.

He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."

"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor. "Do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."

"Well, uh," said the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no!" said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night, and I always have been."

The doctor paused, looked hard at the man, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"OK," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!"

Some Halloween "Lessons" from the Movie Theatre

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least…

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

Source: AhaJokes.com

It was a beautiful day at the

It was a beautiful day at the park and there was this little blode girl, with rosy red cheeks. As she was walking around when suddenly she saw something on the ground and didn't know what it was but it was moving around and she thought it looked ugly.
She saw a little boy about her age. "Hey you!" she shouted out. "Could you please come over here?"
The little boy walked over. "What do you need?" he said.
"What is this?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "It's a worm."
The little girl with a blank on her face and asked, "How do you kill one?"
"You can't!" the boy said.
"YES you can!!!" she said angry tone.
With a grind on her face, she wanted to show how smart she is... she bent down, scope up a hand full of dirt and buried the worm. "See I told you, now who do you think is the dumb one?"

How many did you catch...

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

School Prayer Solution

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Auctions and golf...

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"