Popular jokes (21361 to 21375)

There is no way to describe th

There is no way to describe the scheming, abrasive mailman character on TV's Seinfeld. He defies all Newmanclature.

Out of Paper!

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."

The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

Teacher: Now, you must not say

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

Safe Blonde

has does a blonde have safe sex?

She locks the car door.

The Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a be*l he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Opposites

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?

Congress!

Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

This Joke Is Toast

Q: What does a slice of toast wear to bed?

A: Jammies.

Q: What's the difference betw

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
A: You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

Before a burglary trial, the j

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What are peers?" he asked.
"They're people just like you, your equals."
"Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a bunch of thieves."

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle,

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when Itold a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Notmore than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest ofthe family that the had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including thevisual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chartand began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He readthe 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read.Now both," I requested . There was silence. He couldn't evenread the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he haddone exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyescovered I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointmentwith his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that hewas having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. Thenurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to putit!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped Iwouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of completeconfusion she answered Why, not for about twenty years -- whenmy husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So,how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for theKentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. Ithen asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled"KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
And Finally . . . A new, young MD doing hisresidency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover hisembarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. Themiddle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burstout laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his workand sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wishI was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

Try this...
On

Try this...
On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....
"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

Yo Mama... Christmas Corner

Yo mama is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.

There were two blondes going t...

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day"

Passport...

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"